Expanding my credit rating…

When you have a disability sometimes life can be lonely. It is often hard to find someone who truly understands the struggles and knows exactly where you are coming from. No matter how supportive your loved ones are sometimes you just need to hear from someone who knows, “yes, I’ve been there too”.

Occasionally a person will come along who really gets you. A person who may not mirror you exactly but who has the special pass to your specific club (this is not a euphemism). With this person the elephant in the room (the disability) gets smaller and smaller and with this comes feelings of comfort. The trick is to not get carried away and to recognize this for what it is, a relief!

As I interrupt the violinist playing the world’s smallest violin I should point out that I am surrounded by a fantastic bunch of people and these days it’s rare for me to notice said elephant although in the past week this very notion has really come to the fore.

I am a fabulous actress and never is my acting more prominent than when my ego is at stake. God forbid I show I have feelings. I have developed a bad habit of putting myself down and it has become so ingrained in me that I don’t even know when I am doing it.  I always thought this was funny and endearing but apparently I am not as funny as I thought. SAY IT ISN’T SO!!!!

After some amateur psychological analysis I have deduced that I do this as a form of self-preservation which stems from my feelings of not being good enough. I think it’s a get in before anyone else does kind of thing. I also secretly enjoy being complimented (which I am often) and this is a way of achieving this by stealth. Oh, I’m also a bit of a drama queen.

Self preservation is great but the problem is that it affects not only me but the people who care about me too. These people; family friends etc. make a choice to be around me and comments such as “this is …he/she is the person being paid to be my friend today” diminishes the exceptional good fortune/taste they have been blessed with. It also implies that people are unable to make their own choices, although this is never my intention. Apparently it’s also really annoying.

I recently made a promise to stop putting myself down and as I quite like the people who surround me I intend to keep it. It might make future blogs a bit boring though…



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