A Guilt Trip is not a Holiday

Damion and I have been dating for almost 6 months now and I’m proud to say that we have never had a cross word pass between us.  Having my own place now, he has been staying with me a few nights a week and the new arrangement has seen the dynamics of our relationship change slightly. 

 With this, comes the unearthing of habits that I never knew he possessed.   My boyfriend is completely incapable of sharing.  He refuses to share; the cooking, the dishes or making the bed. He won’t take turns putting the rubbish out and sometimes he won’t even share in the laundry.  No, he insists on doing it all. He is also extremely bossy. He is constantly ordering me to; sleep in, put my feet up and relax, and, he is constantly telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me. I mean honestly, the nerve!

 My family and friends are very unsympathetic. When I tell them about the gross injustices in my relationship they just look at me and say “oh Poor you” and something tells me they are not being genuine.

 My work colleagues are the same.  I have only been at that job for four months and three of those months have been spent on sick leave. I wanted my boss to rant and rave at me, to show her annoyance at my having let the team down, especially when they saved me from certain unemployment. But she didn’t. and neither did anyone else. Instead, when I tried to go into the office too soon, I was simply told to go home and relax and “come back when you are better, not when you think you should”.

  Months ago, when I was preparing to move, trying to impress in my new job ( whilst dealing with the emotion of having left the last job even though I was pretending I was not bothered by it at all), exercising madly so I would be strong enough to live alone and spending every spare moment either talking to or hanging out with my awesome new boyfriend, I dreamed of taking my long service leave.

 

I was trying to be everything to everyone and then I got sick so I ended up becoming nothing to anybody. I did get my long service leave though. Problem is, I now feel so useless, bored and guilty that relaxation is almost impossible.  Not that I haven’t tried mind you. I promised myself that I would begin practising meditation every day (I have been listening to “Eat, Pray, Love” again)  and I did… for two days in a row. But then I lost interest

 

This is not helping my recovery. If anything it is the cause of all the extra things (Cold, Gastro, ear infection etc) that keep cropping up during this down time.  I keep complaining to everyone that I am bored and, (usually in a wheelchair) they take pity on me and we go on outings. But I am too scared to enjoy myself, I am supposed to be in recovery after all.   Worst of all is the guilt that comes from writing, which I can only do at the moment with the help of a dictator ( the electronic variety not Fidel Castro) and my dad.

 

I have decided (yet again) to make a promise to myself.  I am now going to give myself a break and not worry about every little thing every second of the day.  I have adopted the mantra  “I have the rest of my life to  (insert description of task here )” and “my life is already awesome, I do not have to constantly be keeping up with the Jones’s”.  I call this “The Damien Theory” and when you have a mortgage, it beats the hell out of paying $160 an hour for counselling.

  

XOXO 

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