Tag Archives: relationships

My Boyfriend is so…….

 

My boyfriend is so…

 

 

My boyfriend is so aggressive. He’s always pushing me around (in my wheelchair).

 

 

My boyfriend is so rude. He’s always telling me where to go (coz if he doesn’t, my blindness  is bound to get me lost).

 

 

My boyfriend is so nasty. He is always yelling at me (even with my hearing aid, sometimes it’s the only way I’ll answer).

 

 

My boyfriend is so patronising. He repeats himself over and over (see above).

 

 

My boyfriend is so selfish. He never lets me do anything (unless it’s fun)

 

 

 

My boyfriend is so violent. He always beats me (in Monopoly, Guess Who…)

 

 

My boyfriend is a West Coast Eagles supporter (no, I don’t understand it either)

 

 

 

The moral: there is usually more to every story.

 

 Make sure you are in possession of all the facts!

 

 

 

XOXO

 

5 Tips for Dating Someone Who is Divinely Disabled

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Last week I shared with you my top tips for dating if you are disabled. Well, somehow that post was the most successful post in “Inner musings of a funny looking kid” history.

 

So, because now I have tickets on myself; here are my top 5 tips for dating someone who is divinely disabled.

 

  1. Keep a sense of humour:

Very early on in our relationship, I went to a partner’s house for dinner. As we were preparing to eat he went to the cupboard to get the plates. I was twiddling my thumbs and so I asked him “Would you like a hand?” Now this was a polite and fair question except that he didn’t (and I assume still doesn’t) have arms. Without batting an eyelid, he looked at me (straight-faced) and said, “Actually I’d like two.” Then proceeded to laugh at the embarrassment on my face. Faux pas will happen and, having lived with our bodies for a long time, a person with a disability can usually tell the difference between a Freudian slip or innocent mistake and a deliberate attempt to offend. And, if we like you, we’ll usually let it slide.

 

Having said that though, that doesn’t mean that your date is automatically up for being the butt of your jokes. Take a cue from them.  If they find it funny, then chances are that you can too.

 

  1. There is a difference between chivalry and being patronising:

As a general rule; if you’ve seen Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire or Clarke Gable do it in a movie, i.e. Hold a door open, push a chair in or pick up the cheque, this is chivalry. Anything else is patronising unless they ask you for the help. As a matter of fact, some will say that the above gestures are also patronising but I don’t see anything wrong with the occasional display of gentlemanliness. It’s one of my favourite things about Damion.

 

A lot of disabled people are very independent and others have a carer to help them when they need it. We are out with you because we want a partner, not because the carer has the night off!

 

  1. Be prepared:

Dating us is a lot like being a Boy Scout. You need to always be prepared.   I don’t mean that you should bring a first aid kit to every date, although don’t be surprised if we need one at some point (see tips 1 and 2 for how to handle this), but rather that you need to consider the venue or activity you are planning beforehand. For example, if your date is in a wheelchair then places without stairs are a good idea and rock climbing is probably not. This will get easier the longer you know each other and if in doubt, ask.

 

I once went on a date with a guy who was unsure as to where we should go. When I suggested the Roof Top Movies, (a cinema on the top floor of an open-air car park), he declined because he didn’t want to wear a harness. I don’t know what the hell he thought roof top movies were.

 

Also, if you don’t have a disability you might not have experienced the stares that you will get when we’re out together. It is not our fault; some people are just rude.  But chances are it is always going to happen. If it’s too much for you that’s ok but please tell us before it becomes an issue.

 

  1. Do ask and do tell:

If you are curious, it is ok to ask. If you both plan on a long-term relationship, then you will more than likely learn the answers to your questions eventually though.  So use your common sense as to what is appropriate to ask at which stage of the game and remember, your date is not your research project.

 

Yes, love is blind but if your love actually is blind (for example) it is a good idea to mention this to your family/friends before you introduce us to them.  This will avoid any awkwardness during the introduction and allow everyone to make preparations that will ensure everyone is as comfortable as possible. It also gives them the chance to ask questions or air any misgivings they may have out of your love’s earshot.

This is not patronizing, its practical.

 

  1. A tip from Damion:

Keep an open mind. People with a disability may look/act different to “normal” people but they will more often than not prove to be more loving and understanding than others. Which makes for a deeper and more fulfilling relationship.

 

For the record: I did not put him up to that.

 

Happy dating!

 

XOXO

5 Dating Tips for the Divinely Disabled

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Like millions of women the world over, I got my fair share of advice from others on what kind of man I needed when I finally started dating. I was told he needed to be as clever as me or I’ll get bored, a dormouse so that he didn’t mind that I did all the talking and I was even told that I needed a fella who worshipped me as much as my old dog Napoleon did. But perhaps the most unhelpful suggestion I got was that I needed, above all else, a man with a disability. coz you know, we’re in the same league.

Damion does not have a disability, but I don’t hold that against him. He is in fact the only person I’ve been out with (more than once) who does not, and he’s awesome! The only other “serious relationship” (if you could call it that) that I have ever had was with a gorgeous guy that did happen to have one. The relationship lasted for less than a year but I suspect that that had more to do with my incredibly low self-esteem, ( resulting in my constant need for reassurance) not our disabilities. Constant crying is never an attractive quality for anyone.  It is almost as unattractive as desperation.

 

On a side note, I mention the disability status of both of these men purely to make the point that this is not the deciding factor in my relationships. You would be surprised how many people ask me “what is his disability?” if ever I mention Damion. I will usually ignore the ignorance but if I do answer, you’d think I had said I was dating a 100-year-old (nothing wrong it that) and not someone who’s able-bodied. Such is the shocked reaction I encounter.

 

I have now seen both sides of the coin. That is, I have been the disabled dater and the disabled datee. When one or more of you have a disability, there are extra things to be considered, such as anything from; access to venues and how you’re going to get there, to how you’re going to shower at your partner’s house without your shower chair. Luckily though, with this being 2017, there is usually a way around everything if you want there to be.

 

I am no expert but since when has that ever stopped me? Here are my top tips for dating if you are divinely disabled:

 

1. Don’t hide your disability –  be upfront, honest and proud of your disability. If it’s too confronting to deal with on the first date, it’s unlikely to be any less so if you spring it on them in 2-dates-time. This is especially important if you are dating online. Trust me, the look of shock/disappointment that comes when your date sees that you are more disabled than they thought is not something that you really want to see.

 

I once went out with a guy who gave me that look. so, not wanting to seem any more disabled (as it was obviously an issue) I decided not to take my walking frame. This was a mistake, what I should have done was not go through with the date. Instead I wobbled around and eventually had to hold onto him for support which made us both uncomfortable. Needless to say, there was no second date.

2. You don’t have to take second best.

I had thought that because I am not perfect and my disability carries a lot of baggage, I should take anything that is offered to me and be grateful. That means  putting up with being made fun of,  or taking part in activities that I was not comfortable with, purely because I was afraid that nothing else would come along. Wrong! Sure, it is a possibility, but if you don’t find someone else straight away, at least you won’t have to shave your legs every day.

 

Similarly remember that you are not a curio. There is a myth out there that disability equals desperate and to use a phrase I heard a lady on BBC program “The Undatables” use; we are not here for a fascination fuck!

 

3. On the first date go somewhere you know.

It’s not always your choice, but if you can go somewhere you know well, then do. That way you can be familiar with where the easiest access points are and where you can sit down if you need to. Another perk to knowing the place is that, where applicable, you can peruse the menu beforehand. This avoids the awkwardness of having to ask your date to read it for you if you can’t. Although, their reaction to this request can be a good indicator as to how comfortable they are with your disability. Damion read the menu out for me on our first date.

4. Be happy with yourself first.

I know that everyone says this and it’s easier said than done, but it’s true. Unfortunately, unless your partner is as lacking in the self-esteem department as you (not recommended) or they have the patience of a saint, you won’t get the reassurance you’re after. You’ll get dumped! Try counselling and/or writing to overcome this. It worked for me

5, You gotta be in it to win it – put yourself out there.

This is not a movie, it’s real life. So, sadly, the person you’re looking for wont just appear on your doorstep and declare undying love for you. It’s frightening and yes, your disability might expose you to more rejection than you hope, but it’s not all doom and gloom.

 

If you’re shy, internet dating is a good option and you can do it in your pyjamas. It’s also good when, like me, your disability makes it difficult to socialise in the traditional way. You do have to go out in the big wide world eventually though.

 

There are lots of different sites out there but I had success with disabledsingles.com.au and more recently with Zoosk (it’s were I met Damion). There are people from all walks of life everywhere, so keep an open mind and just go with what your comfortable with.

 

Good luck and happy dating!

 

XOXO

A Guilt Trip is not a Holiday

Damion and I have been dating for almost 6 months now and I’m proud to say that we have never had a cross word pass between us.  Having my own place now, he has been staying with me a few nights a week and the new arrangement has seen the dynamics of our relationship change slightly. 

 With this, comes the unearthing of habits that I never knew he possessed.   My boyfriend is completely incapable of sharing.  He refuses to share; the cooking, the dishes or making the bed. He won’t take turns putting the rubbish out and sometimes he won’t even share in the laundry.  No, he insists on doing it all. He is also extremely bossy. He is constantly ordering me to; sleep in, put my feet up and relax, and, he is constantly telling me that I’m beautiful and that he loves me. I mean honestly, the nerve!

 My family and friends are very unsympathetic. When I tell them about the gross injustices in my relationship they just look at me and say “oh Poor you” and something tells me they are not being genuine.

 My work colleagues are the same.  I have only been at that job for four months and three of those months have been spent on sick leave. I wanted my boss to rant and rave at me, to show her annoyance at my having let the team down, especially when they saved me from certain unemployment. But she didn’t. and neither did anyone else. Instead, when I tried to go into the office too soon, I was simply told to go home and relax and “come back when you are better, not when you think you should”.

  Months ago, when I was preparing to move, trying to impress in my new job ( whilst dealing with the emotion of having left the last job even though I was pretending I was not bothered by it at all), exercising madly so I would be strong enough to live alone and spending every spare moment either talking to or hanging out with my awesome new boyfriend, I dreamed of taking my long service leave.

 

I was trying to be everything to everyone and then I got sick so I ended up becoming nothing to anybody. I did get my long service leave though. Problem is, I now feel so useless, bored and guilty that relaxation is almost impossible.  Not that I haven’t tried mind you. I promised myself that I would begin practising meditation every day (I have been listening to “Eat, Pray, Love” again)  and I did… for two days in a row. But then I lost interest

 

This is not helping my recovery. If anything it is the cause of all the extra things (Cold, Gastro, ear infection etc) that keep cropping up during this down time.  I keep complaining to everyone that I am bored and, (usually in a wheelchair) they take pity on me and we go on outings. But I am too scared to enjoy myself, I am supposed to be in recovery after all.   Worst of all is the guilt that comes from writing, which I can only do at the moment with the help of a dictator ( the electronic variety not Fidel Castro) and my dad.

 

I have decided (yet again) to make a promise to myself.  I am now going to give myself a break and not worry about every little thing every second of the day.  I have adopted the mantra  “I have the rest of my life to  (insert description of task here )” and “my life is already awesome, I do not have to constantly be keeping up with the Jones’s”.  I call this “The Damien Theory” and when you have a mortgage, it beats the hell out of paying $160 an hour for counselling.

  

XOXO 

Fact or Fortune 3 Part 2: What the Psychic thinks now

Okay well she didn’t do so badly the last time. 50% is at least a pass, and they say third time is a charm. So I went to the psychic again. 

 At this visit (August 2016) I was in a much happier place than I was when I saw her last. I was healthier and finally in a relationship that made me truly happy.  I just left my job in pathology that I had held for 12 years and was due to commence my new position the following week.  I was also eagerly awaiting settlement of my new apartment and the date for which I can move in. Basically, I was one happy little ball of nervous but very excited energy!

 I bounced on in, clutching a photo of Damion and the cutting from the plant (the bay tree again) that she always asks for. It’s meant to be from a plant that means something special to me, and it has been instrumental in the creation of many a delicious meal over the years. But in truth, I really only chose it because it was the closest plant to the car.

 She ushered me in and sat me down before asking, ” So darling, what’s been going on in your life?” Ever the sceptic I simply replied, “You know, same old same old” and left it at that.  Far be it for me to steal her thunder.

 While she examined the cutting and the photo that I had brought with me, I randomly selected eight crystals from the bowl on the desk. For anyone who is interested, I always have to choose eight crystals because eight is half of 16 and 16 is my favourite number. 

 The first crystal was tiny, not even half as big as any of the others. Apparently this indicated that somebody I work with , that I admired, and who I trusted had made me feel small (not hard, I am 4 foot nine)  and this has caused me to feel “pushed out”. But as the second crystal was clear, the path was open for me to start anew at a job that I would enjoy more. I did need to be careful though, because the next three crystals were cloudy and indicated that I was too comfortable where I was and that now I was terrified of the change ahead. This was in fact true.

  Apparently I had put too high an expectation on myself and that I couldn’t go into the new job pretending that I knew it all. It is okay to ask questions and I can accept help if it is offered to me.  There is no harm in letting others do something nice for me if it makes them feel good (what? This is against all my programming). Further, if I did not do this I would create walls around me.

She looked at the cutting again and told me that she saw that I had recently bought a property. This was apparently a very good thing. The last three crystals were also clear but they were oddly shaped.  Meaning the move would be positive but that living here was just a stepping stone to something else. It would be something good though. 

 She asked me who it was in the photo and I told her that his name was Damion but unfortunately I cannot remember whether or not I identified him as my boyfriend. She then went on to describe him to a tee  and to tell me how gentlemanly he is. She told me that we shared a connection and that we could be quite happy together.  But that because we both had free will and “there is no such thing as a fortune teller” she didn’t know if he was “The one”.  For the record, I did not actually ask her that question.

 Before closing she told me that for once in my life I needed to stop and smell the roses. I needed to stop expecting something bad to be around every corner and to accept that sometimes life has good lesson to teach me as well. If I didn’t I would drive everything good away. I freely admit that I am now and have always been a pessimist. So I am trying to keep this advice in mind.

 But she wasn’t done…

 

“Who has a birthday coming up” she asked. Dad’s birthday was the week after the reading and that’s what  I told her. “Well” she said, “your Nonno wants you to wish him a happy birthday”  . This made me laugh. I don’t remember my Nonno ever being particularly chatty in life yet this is the third time he has popped in for a chat during a reading.  Perhaps he is just making up for lost time or maybe he’s a bit bored. Apparently the atmosphere in the afterlife is a bit dead (sorry I had to do it).

 

I’m pretty sure I have this psychic reading stuff out of my system now

 

XOXO 

Fact or Fortune 3 Part 1: What the Psychic predicted and what actually happened.

 

I have just realised that in episode one of this series (see post “fact or fortune“) I stated that I would probably never do it again, but I have just been to visit the psychic for the third time. Hey, it’s not my fault. She is the one with the “gift,” not me!

 

Before that though I had a listen to the recording from my last reading for a look back on what was predicted and to see what she actually got correct. It turned out to be very interesting…

 

At my last visit (July 2015) I was not in a good place. I was in a relationship that was going nowhere and that I didn’t want to be in. I was constantly sick and other than a recent upswing in my writing career and a few opportunities that I had been given to give lectures on my life with a disability and writing a blog (somehow I was apparently an expert), there really wasn’t much going on in my life at all. I was frustrated, bored and extremely stressed out.

 

As usual I took along a cutting from a plant in our garden (the bay tree, in case you were interested) and apparently the branch that I chose was dripping with stress, which was all to do with my love life. She insinuated that the only reason that I was still in this relationship was to give myself someone to blame when I didn’t achieve everything I set out to do (ouch!). She said that I needed to get out of it as soon as possible. I did this and eventually the stress disappeared.  She also said that I needed to end the relationship because someone else was out there waiting to meet me who was exactly what I needed in my life (I swear this is not the reason I broke it off). Less than a year later I met Damion and I can honestly say that I have never been happier in a relationship. One for the psychic!

 

 

Career wise she told me that I was much loved at work, that I was respected and good at my job so I would (to use her words) “never be pushed out.” Well she was right about that. Until I was made redundant that is.  I was however transferred to another division within the group almost immediately so actually I was never really without a job.   I must have been liked a bit there too because on my last day they spoilt me rotten. They even withheld their cheers of jubilation about my departure until I was well out of earshot which was nice of them. Let’s call this one a draw. 

 

She said that she saw me giving more lectures and recently I have accepted another invitation from Curtin University to speak to their students. She also said I was due to do something that inspired others. I have recently been asked by someone who has read my blog if I would be an ambassador for an annual charity event due to take place in early 2017. Could this be what she meant?

 

As part of the reading I was asked to select eight crystals from the bowl sitting on the desk beside me. I did this but the first two I chose (which were identical in shape, colour and clarity) were stuck together which apparently indicates that I am going to have a very happy life. I found this a tad vague and had to fight hard not to roll my eyes, but she went on… 

 

In the year and a half ahead (Second half of 2015 and the entire 2016), I was due to experience some major changes in all areas of my life. Well, so far in 2016 I have; lost and found a job, started a new relationship and my health and well being (specially my hearing) dramatically improved. I will also finally move into my apartment later this year. Another point for the psychic.

 

The other 6 crystals told her that I am very independent, strong willed (is she saying that I am stubborn?)  and a bit domineering (who, me?) . These traits might make me take a few risks in my life (I went skydiving not long after this. Does that count?)  but I will always meet the right people at the right time and they will help me when I need it. I still find this enormously comforting.

 

She also predicted that by the time I’m 35 I will have been on two overseas holidays and sometime between 35 and 42 I will write a book. None of this has happened yet but don’t worry, if it does I will be sure to tell you.

 

The reading was drawing to a close when the psychic asked me, “Have you been thinking about your Nonno lately?”  He was apparently there and he wanted me to know that he knew I had a very sore neck which was stopping me from sleeping and he had been trying to help me out. Scared the hell out of me! I had a procedure  on my neck a few weeks before and my neck still very stiff, making it hard for me to sleep. I had not told her about this. Spooky!

 

Then she told me that my Grandma was also there and that she wanted me to know that she had “The special cat” in the spirit world with her. This baffled me completely and I have no idea what the hell she was talking about.  More than a year on and after speaking to many people about which cat she might be referring to I still have absolutely no idea.

 

Recently I had a conversation with a very clever friend of mine. In it we deduced that the reason that things such as positive thinking, prayer or predictions etc work (if indeed they do) is because, if a person decides that a particular thing is going to happen to them they subconsciously do things to make it happen. 

 

Makes me wonder, is this what I have done here?  

 

XOXO 

A Frame by any other name

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 The other day I found myself watching the documentary “Animism: people who love objects” on ABC iView.  It was about people who classify themselves as “objectumsexual.”  For anyone who does not know, an objectumsexual is someone who instead of being attracted to men or women, is attracted to objects. 

 There was the woman in love with her bow and arrow, the guy in love with his sound system and the women who were married to (yes married to!) the Eiffel Tower and a Ferris wheel respectively. Then there was the guy who was in love with his car and was also the only one to admit to a physical relationship with his “partner.” (remind me never to get into that car). 

 I am not sure what it says about me, but I didn’t seem to find any of this particularly strange or shocking. I mean, who was I to judge? For more than 10 years I was genuinely in love with Australian television personality Todd McKenney who I fell in love with after seeing him play the very camp Peter Allen in the Australian incarnation of the stage musical The Boy from Oz.  My infatuation only ended when I met him several years later. He was witty, charming and oh so good looking (or at least I thought so at the time), but unfortunately he was a smoker and I’m afraid that was an absolute deal breaker. The poor guy must have been so disappointed.  If this was not embarrassing enough I was also once married to our clothesline (see post “The power of word“). 

 The only thing that really confronted me about the documentary was the fact that each of the inanimate objects had a name.  Not a generic name like car or arrow.  Or a cute pet name such as Honey or Sweetie.  But a real human name like Bruce which was the name of the Ferris wheel. Not only that, but each object was referred to with a personal pronoun ( He, She etc.).  I suppose this is just good manners though.  I imagine it would be quite awkward making conversation with someone whom you’ve just been intimate with if you did not know their name. Especially if you needed to drive them home afterwards.

 On top of this, these objects (or parts thereof ) go everywhere with their lovers.

 I am in a similar relationship (minus the intimacy) with Cecily, my walking frame. I didn’t give her that name. It was given to her by a friend of mine and it stuck.  I have never really been fond of using “disabled words” such as carer or walking frame, so I began introducing people to Cecily just as if she was a real person (I promise I really do actually have friends). Now this is how she is known by everyone. Of course there are those who are uncomfortable with my disability (I have no idea why though, I am the one who lives with it), and these people prefer not to used her name. In fact, they prefer to pretend that  she does not exist at all. I wonder if this is helping them, or if they think it is helping me? 

 Anyway, given this, and the fact that we are pretty much inseparable and it’s virtually impossible that anyone could come between us, I am now worried that our closeness maybe misconstrued.

So Cicely if you’re reading this,  I think you’re fantastic but perhaps it would be better if we just remain good friends.

 

XOXO